I run an internal web app that authenticates users via client certificates. Every once in a while something will go awry and certain users will get a 403 error when they try to access the site. I found that if the user logs off of his/her computer and logs back on, the error goes away. After about 10 phone calls of "it won't work" (which we all know is a statement that is terribly condusive to debugging), I added a custom error page for 403 error. This page is plain white, with a centered div outlined in red. In the div are bold, black words which simply state:

 

"There has been a problem with your certificates. Please log off of your computer and log back on. If the problem persists, call IT."

 

That's it, three sentences. The rest of the page is totally blank. I figured this would mitigate a lot of phone calls. I was completely and devastatingly wrong. Since then I have had users call me, e-mail me, send me screenshots of the error, copy/paste the error into e-mails, and visit me desk-side about the error. Every time, I play the role of Indian Level 1 Helpdesk nug. The conversation goes like this:

 "Did you follow the instructions in the error message?"

"What instructions?"

Pause for huge, vacuum-inducing sigh. "The ones that say 'Log off and log back on, then try again.'"

"Oh, I didn't see that. Should I try that first?"

Pause again, this time wondering if being an overnight security guard in Antarctica would really be so bad. "Yes...." 

Most users don't read past the word "problem", maybe: "Please log off of your computer and log back on. If you've already done this, call IT for assistance" would work better.

Of course tracking down the problem would be the ideal solution.

dabean:

Most users don't read past the word "problem", maybe: "Please log off of your computer and log back on. If you've already done this, call IT for assistance" would work better.

Of course tracking down the problem would be the ideal solution.

I had thought of that, but then I would have the same people trapping me anyway and asking me why they had to log off/on of their computer.

 I work in a very strictly controlled Windows environment, the problem is caused by applications outside of my grasp.

dabean:

Most users don't read past the word "problem", maybe: "Please log off of your computer and log back on. If you've already done this, call IT for assistance" would work better.

Of course tracking down the problem would be the ideal solution.

You said one of your users said "oh I didn't see that."

I second this suggestion.  Put the first sentence at the end of the message.

Shorter sentences. 

Are your users running IE?  If so, just write an ActiveX plugin that reboots their computer on 403.

 

Or, change the error to read:

"You broke the Internet.  Please bring beer to the IT office so they can fix it.  Do not try to call them, you also broke the phones." 

You wrote it wrong

In big red text:

YOU MUST LOG OFF AND LOG BACK IN

Then explain it in tiny 8 pt font:

There has been a problem with your certificates. If logging off and logging back onto your computer does not resolve this please contact IT.

 

I've had a problem with my home computer's XP Professional installation. Once in a while no user could log in or switch to his session, other than the user who logged on last or had the session active last - said "Incorrect password". I suspected that was some overly intrusive crap like Epson printer driver that wanted to run a couple of services, or iTunes, which also has some shitty service running in background. A few iTunes revisions later, and a different printer, it seems that problem is gone.

 Obviously you needed to embed a "funny cats" MPEG instead of an error message. 

"If the problem persists, call IT at 7456." Have that setup for an automated message that repeats what you wrote, giving your real phone number. MIght just work because it saves the usershaving to look up your phone number, which means they might just read that part. ;-) Unless, of course, they have IT on speed-dial.

That's just how it is. Users are simple, scared, naive creatures. They believe that computers are out to get them, trying to trick them. That's not a joke, that really is how they are.

At the first sign of anything they weren't expecting, their brains (or what passes for them at least) freeze up and their ability to comprehend even the most basic instructions is lost. You could have had the page show "RESTART YOUR COMPUTER NOW, YOU RETARD!!!" in giant red flashing red letters, and you'd still get calls saying "Duuuuh I got me um a lil messagey thingy on my tv screen, what me do now?"

Oddly, the only time that these people follow anything they see on the computer is those scam "500 viruses and lots of porn detected on your computer!!! download this to delete it all!!!!" webpages that try to get you to load malware. Perhaps we should take a lead from those guys. Replace your error error message with this:

"A TROJAN VIRUS IS INSTALLING CHILD PORN ONTO YOUR PC AND THEN CALLING THE POLICE! GO TO START>SHUTDOWN>RESTART TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM 15 YEARS OF SHARING A CELL WITH BIG BUBBA!"

50 support calls/day > 5 support calls/day. Job done. 

"Reboot now - or bad things will happen to your pet kitten!"

 Could you have the custom 403 error page automatically log them out, or would that just cause even more problems?  

PhillS:

 Could you have the custom 403 error page automatically log them out, or would that just cause even more problems?  

Please for the love of Bob, tell me that you were joking...

I kind of liked the idea to put a phone number connected to a message that states the same thing as the screen, but I would modify that:

Make a .wav file that the error page automatically plays.  The .wav is simply a nice clear voice announcing the exact message that's displayed on the screen.  So many people can't seem to process the written word but they do process information aurally, so work with that and see if it helps.

jetcitywoman:

I kind of liked the idea to put a phone number connected to a message that states the same thing as the screen, but I would modify that:

Make a .wav file that the error page automatically plays.  The .wav is simply a nice clear voice announcing the exact message that's displayed on the screen.  So many people can't seem to process the written word but they do process information aurally, so work with that and see if it helps.

 

And if they have their speakers turned down/off like most people in offices should? (If they are allowed to have speakers at all)

Then we use the PC speaker, ofcourse. That's what my BIOS always does.

Faxmachinen:

Then we use the PC speaker, ofcourse. That's what my BIOS always does.

 

 You can't be serious, an auditory message coming from the system speaker? -10 points for you.

morbiuswilters:

Are your users running IE?  If so, just write an ActiveX plugin that reboots their computer on 403.

 

 

1) I can't force ActiveX plugins in my environment

2) What happens when they lose all of their work because IE just rebooted the machine?

 

I like your second option waaaaay better. 

RayS:

"A TROJAN VIRUS IS INSTALLING CHILD PORN ONTO YOUR PC AND THEN CALLING THE POLICE! GO TO START>SHUTDOWN>RESTART TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM 15 YEARS OF SHARING A CELL WITH BIG BUBBA!"

 

 

FUCKING EPIC. You sir, are a genius. 

Look up "PC Speaker Driver". I'm not sure if Microsoft updated it for this millenium, but it used to be possible on Windows (and indeed I installed this driver for Windows 3.1 once) and, as far as I can gather, is still possible for Linux etc. Said driver plays wave audio through the PC speaker; the results are not great, but sufficient for speech.

However, I have no clue how the 403 page would install this driver ...

mendel:

However, I have no clue how the 403 page would install this driver ...

Make an MSI for the install, then get a GPO to apply through AD for applying the MSI.

Lingerance:

mendel:

However, I have no clue how the 403 page would install this driver ...

Make an MSI for the install, then get a GPO to apply through AD for applying the MSI.

 

The most amazing part is how people keep going with engineering a horrible idea... It is a self compounding WTF.

MasterPlanSoftware:

The most amazing part is how people keep going with engineering a horrible idea... It is a self compounding WTF.

He could use EtherKillers, but I don't think his boss would like that too much, what would you suggest?

Lingerance:

what would you suggest?

 

NOT having a website make sound OR rebooting the machine?

 And you complain when people take you seriously when you speak in jest? ;-)