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morbiuswilters

@Lorne Kates said:

JOKE NUMBER THREE: A queer, a negro and a jew walk into a bar, but they're turned away at the door because the bar doesn't serve their kind. FINE shouts the queer and opens a gay bar, but there's an outbreak of AIDS and he dies. FINE shouts the blackie, and opens a blackie bar, but there's an outbreak of violence like they do and he is shot and dies. FINE shouts the jew and buys all three bars, levels them to build a synagogue, and the original bar loses his job, his wife divorces him and takes all his money like broads do, and he becomes homeless and dies during the winter of hypothermia. And the next state over implements proper immigration laws, and there's no one dies. (Except the negro, because he crossed state lines without knowing his place)

A 'nuck walks into a bar. "Give me something that doesn't taste like horse piss!" he bellows. So the bartender walks by the taps for domestic beers and out the back door to his 17 year-old coon dog with kidney troubles. With a little prompting, he's able to half-fill a pint glass with the dog's fresh urine. "Wow, this tastes much better than the usual swill you serve!" says the patron after taking his first swig.

[pause for laughter]

Two Canadians are standing at the Pearly Gates.

[pause for audience to get the joke, laughter]

A Canadian man was having trouble giving sexual pleasure to his wife. After a particularly embarrassing episode, he resolved to do something about it. First, he made an appointment to talk to his doctor.

Six months later, he was finally seeing his doctor. "Well, unfortunately this is a really common problem among our species," said the doctor. "There are pills I can give you, but they're knock-offs from India and they'll probably make you go blind." The Canadian was heartbroken. "There is one thing you can do.." said the doctor. "You could hire an American to make love to your wife, pretending to be you. The room would need to be very dark and she would have to be very drunk for the ruse to work, but I imagine that's already the case since we don't have electricity and we're all drunk all the time to deal with the crushing depression of being so lame."

So the Canadian set out to find an American to make love to his unsatisfied wife. He couldn't cross over into America, though, because the border drones would shoot him dead on-sight. Also, he'd probably die the instant he set foot in America from all of the Freedom. Instead, he lurked around truck stops on the Canadian side of the border until he found some disaster tourists from America. "Why sure I'll give your ol' lady the business!" said the boisterous American while slapping the humiliated Canuck on the back.

Long story short, his wife died from Too Much Dong, but not before having the best orgasms of her life. The end.

[takes bow to riotous applause]

dhromed

@morbiuswilters said:

A Canadian man

I guess if you shoot enough hyperbole, at least some of it's got to be on point, right?

A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says "Don't try to start anything".

[applause]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

[applause sign appears to be broken]

@Ben L. said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@HardwareGeek said:
@Ben L. said:
@Buttembly Coder said:
@Lorne Kates said:
JOKE NUMBER THREE: A queer, a negro and a jew walk into a bar, but they're turned away at the door because the bar doesn't serve their kind. FINE shouts the queer and opens a gay bar, but there's an outbreak of AIDS and he dies. FINE shouts the blackie, and opens a blackie bar, but there's an outbreak of violence like they do and he is shot and dies.

So, there are three bars. Two are owned by minorities, and the other is owned by Ben L. You don't know which is which, but you pick one to go to. You then call your friend Morbs, who's been to one of them, and reveals which one was the gay bar…

Also, my bar has a goat in it, just in case you like goats.
And cats, because you like cats.

And the menu is in Lojban because he like Lojban.

And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

And the software running the cash registers is written in Go translated into Esperanto.

morbiuswilters

@El_Heffe said:

A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says "Don't try to start anything".
[applause]
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
[applause sign appears to be broken]

A priest, a rabbi and a Polack walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

Zemm

@Ben L. said:

And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

Start a cupcake bar. Or move somewhere with more freedom, like almost any other country in the world!

boomzilla

@El_Heffe said:

@Ben L. said:
@morbiuswilters said:
@HardwareGeek said:
@Ben L. said:
@Buttembly Coder said:
@Lorne Kates said:
JOKE NUMBER THREE: A queer, a negro and a jew walk into a bar, but they're turned away at the door because the bar doesn't serve their kind. FINE shouts the queer and opens a gay bar, but there's an outbreak of AIDS and he dies. FINE shouts the blackie, and opens a blackie bar, but there's an outbreak of violence like they do and he is shot and dies.

So, there are three bars. Two are owned by minorities, and the other is owned by Ben L. You don't know which is which, but you pick one to go to. You then call your friend Morbs, who's been to one of them, and reveals which one was the gay bar…

Also, my bar has a goat in it, just in case you like goats.
And cats, because you like cats.

And the menu is in Lojban because he like Lojban.

And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.
And the software running the cash registers is written in Go translated into Esperanto.

And the cash registers are chromebooks.

dkf

@Ben L. said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@HardwareGeek said:
@Ben L. said:
Also, my bar has a goat in it, just in case you like goats.
And cats, because you like cats.
And the menu is in Lojban because he like Lojban.
And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

Surely you could have goat milk?

error

@Zemm said:

@Ben L. said:
And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

18 years old is plenty old enough to die for your country though.

Seahen

@morbiuswilters said:

3) Why do you think Google would bother creating an account for their translation service? Then they'd have to add in all sorts of security measures so people can't hijack the Google Translator account. That's such a PITA suggestion I can only imagine you didn't think it through before stating it.

That's easy enough -- ask the Wikipedia admins to permanently block the account from editing, since it doesn't need to be able to edit. Wikipedia already maintains lots of accounts for various bots, some of which do edit articles.

morbiuswilters

@Zemm said:

So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

We're also not allowed to marry our cousins. How do Aussies survive here??

morbiuswilters

@joe.edwards said:

@Zemm said:
@Ben L. said:
And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

18 years old is plenty old enough to die for your country though.

18 is a little old for my tastes..

morbiuswilters

@Seahen said:

@morbiuswilters said:
3) Why do you think Google would bother creating an account for their translation service? Then they'd have to add in all sorts of security measures so people can't hijack the Google Translator account. That's such a PITA suggestion I can only imagine you didn't think it through before stating it.

That's easy enough -- ask the Wikipedia admins to permanently block the account from editing, since it doesn't need to be able to edit. Wikipedia already maintains lots of accounts for various bots, some of which do edit articles.

I guess you missed the part where HTTPS is available to anyone.

Buttembly_Coder

@Zemm said:

@Ben L. said:
And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.

So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

Don't worry, there's still no minimum age for peyote.

Lorne Kates

@Seahen said:

That's easy enough -- ask the Wikipedia admins to permanently block the account from editing, since it doesn't need to be able to edit. Wikipedia already maintains lots of accounts for various bots, some of which *do* edit articles.

You don't even need to ask. Just make a single edit to an admin's pet page, or do something crazy like create a page for a webcomic, and the admins will make that account-edit change for you.

Ben L.

@dkf said:

@Ben L. said:
@morbiuswilters said:
@HardwareGeek said:
@Ben L. said:
Also, my bar has a goat in it, just in case you like goats.
And cats, because you like cats.
And the menu is in Lojban because he like Lojban.
And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.
Surely you could have goat milk?

not after the accident

morbiuswilters

@Ben L. said:

not after the accident

Jesus Christ. I'd troll you on YouTube but the fascist bastards will only let me post under my real name.

boomzilla

@morbiuswilters said:

@Zemm said:
So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

We're also not allowed to marry our cousins. How do Aussies survive here??

Depends on the state. Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."

@morbiuswilters said:

@Ben L. said:
not after the accident

Jesus Christ. I'd troll you on YouTube but the fascist bastards will only let me post under my real name.

You don't already have a YouTube account under a fake name? Where have you been?

HardwareGeek

@boomzilla said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@Zemm said:
So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

We're also not allowed to marry our cousins. How do Aussies survive here??

Depends on the state. Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."

Already had that discussion, over here.

morbiuswilters

@boomzilla said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@Zemm said:
So for all the "Freedom" (with a capital F) the USA has, an 18 year old adult can't (legally) buy a beer...

We're also not allowed to marry our cousins. How do Aussies survive here??

Depends on the state. Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."

Wow, the left-wing states really like cousin marriage..

dkf

@boomzilla said:

Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."

They had to explicitly ban it there?

Daniel_Beardsmore

Update, from Windows XP:

Opera 12.16: Aside from the terrible choice of font (like LCARS but square-edged), it works perfectly.

Firefox 29.0: Recursive frames, as per 28 in Windows 8.

MSIE 8: "Do you want to view only the webpage content that was delivered securely?" when accessing Google Translate; URL translation completely broken due to script errors.

From Windows 7:

MSIE 11: Frame error, as per 10 in Windows 8.

Make of that what you will.

morbiuswilters

@dkf said:

@boomzilla said:
Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."
They had to explicitly ban it there?

Yeah, we didn't have the huge sheep populations of the UK so West Virginians had to fall back to something else.

DrakeSmith

@morbiuswilters said:

@dkf said:
@boomzilla said:
Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."
They had to explicitly ban it there?

Yeah, we didn't have the huge sheep populations of the UK so West Virginians had to fall back to something else.

I thought sheep were a New Zealand thing and that the UK is just asexual where most men wanked in their mum's basement and fought each other over ~~soccer~~ football games

morbiuswilters

@DrakeSmith said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@dkf said:
@boomzilla said:
Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."
They had to explicitly ban it there?

Yeah, we didn't have the huge sheep populations of the UK so West Virginians had to fall back to something else.

I thought sheep were a New Zealand thing and that the UK is just asexual where most men wanked in their mum's basement and fought each other over ~~soccer~~ football games

Hey, there are more important things than scoring, like lowering your carbon footprint and paying your television tax and, uh.... uh..... scones?

PJH

@DrakeSmith said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@dkf said:
@boomzilla said:
Amusingly, West Virginia is listed as, "Statute bans first-cousin marriage."
They had to explicitly ban it there?

Yeah, we didn't have the huge sheep populations of the UK so West Virginians had to fall back to something else.

I thought sheep were a New Zealand thing and that the UK is just asexual where most men wanked in their mum's basement and fought each other over ~~soccer~~ football games

Either of the celtic nations are also fair game for sheep jokes for some reason...

RTapeLoadingError

@boomzilla said:

@El_Heffe said:
@Ben L. said:
@morbiuswilters said:
@HardwareGeek said:
@Ben L. said:
@Buttembly Coder said:
@Lorne Kates said:
JOKE NUMBER THREE: A queer, a negro and a jew walk into a bar, but they're turned away at the door because the bar doesn't serve their kind. FINE shouts the queer and opens a gay bar, but there's an outbreak of AIDS and he dies. FINE shouts the blackie, and opens a blackie bar, but there's an outbreak of violence like they do and he is shot and dies.

So, there are three bars. Two are owned by minorities, and the other is owned by Ben L. You don't know which is which, but you pick one to go to. You then call your friend Morbs, who's been to one of them, and reveals which one was the gay bar…

Also, my bar has a goat in it, just in case you like goats.
And cats, because you like cats.

And the menu is in Lojban because he like Lojban.

And the bar doesn't have any beverages other than tap water because I'm not 21 yet and I don't have a license to sell liquor.
And the software running the cash registers is written in Go translated into Esperanto.

And the cash registers are chromebooks.

And the TVs only show live Dwarf Fortress games

morbiuswilters

@RTapeLoadingError said:

And the TVs only show live Dwarf Fortress games

Dwarf Fortress is a game??? I thought it was some kind of novelty terminal emulator..

blakeyrat

@morbiuswilters said:

@RTapeLoadingError said:
And the TVs only show live Dwarf Fortress games

Dwarf Fortress is a game??? I thought it was some kind of novelty terminal emulator..

The most hilarious part is that they don't even USE a terminal. They're actually drawing graphics there, the graphics just happen to look identical to a vt-100 screen circa 1987. There it literally no reason they couldn't draw a little icon of a goblin.

dhromed

@blakeyrat said:

There it literally no reason they couldn't draw a little icon of a goblin.

It's got icon packs/skins etc, so with a proper client you actually get icons; and those are as pretty as you can make sprites.

blakeyrat

@dhromed said:

It's got icon packs/skins etc, so with a proper client you actually get icons; and those are as pretty as you can make sprites.

So if they have a version that looks non-ass, why don't they ship that version by default!!!!!!!!!! A question asked by all consumers of truly terrible software.

error

@blakeyrat said:

@morbiuswilters said:
@RTapeLoadingError said:
And the TVs only show live Dwarf Fortress games

Dwarf Fortress is a game??? I thought it was some kind of novelty terminal emulator..

The most hilarious part is that they don't even USE a terminal. They're actually drawing graphics there, the graphics just happen to look identical to a vt-100 screen circa 1987. There it literally no reason they couldn't draw a little icon of a goblin.

I've been working on something similar. (Note: far from being finished, so far I have 30% of an engine and the only finished piece is the title screen.) Text based is an interesting restriction. I've got no problem using the full Unicode character set, but that's all I will allow. Other than that, effects are fine. I'll use glow, alpha transparency, gradients, etc. Just no sprites.

The goal is a cyberpunk roguelike. I plan to feature genetic modification/mutation, cybernetics, simulated computer hacking, and of course combat/loot/stats/levels.

dhromed

@blakeyrat said:

So if they have a version that looks non-ass, why don't they ship that version by default!!!!!!!!!! A question asked by all consumers of truly terrible software.

Different priorities. *shrug*

glyph-style doesn't make the game terrible. Just ugly.

Like minecraft.

blakeyrat

@joe.edwards said:

The goal is a cyberpunk roguelike. I plan to feature genetic modification/mutation, cybernetics, simulated computer hacking, and of course combat/loot/stats/levels.

Mission: Thunderbolt came out in 1992.

morbiuswilters

@dhromed said:

@blakeyrat said:
There it literally no reason they couldn't draw a little icon of a goblin.

It's got icon packs/skins etc, so with a proper client you actually get icons; and those are as pretty as you can make sprites.

Oooh, it's like MineCraft but shittier!
Then why is Ben using the terminal emulator skin?

error

@blakeyrat said:

@joe.edwards said:
The goal is a cyberpunk roguelike. I plan to feature genetic modification/mutation, cybernetics, simulated computer hacking, and of course combat/loot/stats/levels.

Mission: Thunderbolt came out in 1992.

Guys! Cancel the project! There's a game in the same genre and each genre can only have one game.

Seriously, though, thank you for that. My sources of inspiration have been Nethack, Shadowrun, Neuromancer, and Fallout. I'm sure this one will add more ideas to the massive list I'll never have enough spare time to implement.

blakeyrat

@joe.edwards said:

Guys! Cancel the project! There's a game in the same genre and each genre can only have one game.

This is exactly correct.

dhromed

@morbiuswilters said:

Then why is Ben using the terminal emulator skin?

It has its charm, I guess.

morbiuswilters

@dhromed said:

@morbiuswilters said:
Then why is Ben using the terminal emulator skin?

It has its charm, I guess.

Then why not just go Full Charm and run around barefoot on a dirt road with one of those hoops you push with a stick?

With a stick

HardwareGeek

@blakeyrat said:

@dhromed said:
It's got icon packs/skins etc, so with a proper client you actually get icons; and those are as pretty as you can make sprites.

So if they have a version that looks non-ass, why don't they ship that version by default!!!!!!!!!! A question asked by all consumers of truly terrible software.

The phrase "lipstick on a pig" comes to mind.

Ben L.

@HardwareGeek said:

@blakeyrat said:
@dhromed said:
@blakeyrat said:
@morbiuswilters said:
@RTapeLoadingError said:
And the TVs only show live Dwarf Fortress games

Dwarf Fortress is a game??? I thought it was some kind of novelty terminal emulator..

The most hilarious part is that they don't even USE a terminal. They're actually drawing graphics there, the graphics just happen to look identical to a vt-100 screen circa 1987. There it literally no reason they couldn't draw a little icon of a goblin.

It's got icon packs/skins etc, so with a proper client you actually get icons; and those are as pretty as you can make sprites.

So if they have a version that looks non-ass, why don't they ship that version by default!!!!!!!!!! A question asked by all consumers of truly terrible software.
The phrase "lipstick on a pig" comes to mind.

Actually, I'm running Dwarf Fortress over SSH on a headless VM, so there is quite a good reason they can't draw a little icon of a goblin.

And if you're running it on Windows or your render mode is something other than TEXT, you can go ahead and use graphics packs all you want. None of them are official, though. Basically they replace the font with something where characters that are generally used with plants look like plants (etc.) and then they add specific sprites for NPCs.

Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me. I prefer the text-based UI (but that's just personal preference).

error

@Ben L. said:

Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me. I prefer the text-based UI (but that's just personal preference).

I can't explain it but I definitely preferred Nethack's text graphics to any graphics pack available for it (and I also played over telnet on alt.org).

Wait, I agreed with whatever Ben L. just said. Should I seek immediate medical or psychiatric attention?

HardwareGeek

@joe.edwards said:

@Ben L. said:
Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me. I prefer the text-based UI (but that's just personal preference).

I can't explain it but I definitely preferred Nethack's text graphics to any graphics pack available for it (and I also played over telnet on alt.org).

Maybe a subconscious nostalgia for the way it looked in your misspent youth, or just what you're used to. I like the Windows GUI version (the only graphical version I've played) because critters that are represented by the same character have separate graphical representations, so it's easier to tell what's about to kill me, but I don't play it enough any more to make much difference.
@joe.edwards said:

Wait, I agreed with whatever Ben L. just said. Should I seek immediate medical or psychiatric attention?

No, it's already too late.

morbiuswilters

@Ben L. said:

Actually, I'm running Dwarf Fortress over SSH on a headless VM...

Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me. I prefer the text-based UI (but that's just personal preference).

Seriously, you are seeing a doctor for your Asperger's, right? Please don't leave that shit untreated.

Ben L.

@morbiuswilters said:

@Ben L. said:
Actually, I'm running Dwarf Fortress over SSH on a headless VM...

Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me. I prefer the text-based UI (but that's just personal preference).

Seriously, you are seeing a doctor for your Asperger's, right? Please don't leave that shit untreated.

dhromed

@Ben L. said:

Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me.

I kind of get this, since 128x texture packs in minecraft is something I find dumb and unenjoyable, but 32x with skilled pixel art is juuuust the sweet spot.

boomzilla

@dhromed said:

@Ben L. said:
Personally, I find that using a graphics pack is less fun for me.

I kind of get this, since 128x texture packs in minecraft is something I find dumb and unenjoyable, but 32x with skilled pixel art is juuuust the sweet spot.

Sometimes I read books that don't even have pictures on the cover.

dhromed

@boomzilla said:

Sometimes I read books that don't even have pictures on the cover.

I always take off the sleeve for that sweet single-colour textured feel of the book.

And my The Silmarillion doesn't even have a sleeve.